Drew Afualo on the Freedom of Body Neutrality
"Why ‘Body Positivity’ Isn’t Enough"
Greetings, Earthlings!
This week on the Soul Boom podcast, we’re graced with the hugely influential and very funny Drew Afualo. As you can see in the episode, the two of us got real and had a robust back-and-forth about what is the best way to take on the patriarchy, misogyny, and hateful ignorance in general.
Yet, while Drew is more than happy to flambé misogynists online, her interests go beyond that. She's also fascinated by our own self talk—especially the self talk of young women of color. So, for this edition of the Soul Boom Dispatch, we have an excerpt from Drew’s new book that introduces us to the concept of body neutrality.
I had heard of “body positivity” before, but body neutrality? This idea was new to me. To be frank, as a character actor, I don’t have to worry about body image the same way a woman does. Working in comedy, and being on both the tall and thicc side, you could even argue my physicality has been an asset, as I’ve spent years using my body for physical comedy and as the butt of jokes.
That said, even in my position, I’m not immune to the messaging around our bodies. While I'm not above a good self-deprecating laugh, in a world obsessed with thigh gaps and washboard abs, not thinking about our body image—or even forgetting about the self altogether—now that is true freedom.
So sit back, relax, and get ready to embrace (or at least accept) every inch of your fabulous meat suit.
Take it away, Drew!
Rainn
Why ‘Body Positivity’ Isn’t Enough
By Drew Afualo
The subject of our bodies and how much worth or value they hold is something women and femmes become aware of shockingly early on. We are conditioned to believe that there is a standard for what men will accept as attractive and that anything that falls outside of that standard is “bad” or “ugly.”
This could be for a whole host of reasons because as we're all aware, the list of things women should or should not do is never ending. Thin but not too thin. Big boobs but God forbid you show them off. Work on your body in the gym, but not too much, otherwise that’s “manly.” Funny, but never funnier than your man. Outgoing, but not too much, otherwise you’re too desperate for attention. The list goes on...and on...and on.
But the voice in your head that tells you you’re “not worthy” of love or support from a romantic partner because your body/facial features do not fit into some arbitrary, Eurocentric box that bigoted men built is nothing more than internalized misogyny. It’s a sinister tool that has been ingrained into our brains and belief systems. A lot of us grow up with this messaging from the very first moment we gain sexual consciousness that validation from men is a valuable social currency. As impossible as it may seem to accomplish, we must work tirelessly and consistently to expel this belief from our mindset. One of the biggest gaslights the patriarchy has normalized is that male validation is the be-all and end-all of life. That it's the one thing all women/femmes should strive toward, because what even is the point of life if you don’t have a man giving you his stamp of approval?
Because, believe it or not, the inverse reaction to my size—guys who expressed their enthusiasm and excitement at having found a “thick” girl—didn’t make me feel any better. It felt like no matter who I was on the inside, no matter how multifaceted and intelligent I believed myself to be as a person, most men’s reactions would remain completely in the realm of the physical. What a dehumanizing feeling that is. It’s one that can never truly be articulated, in my opinion, because it’s just that gross. Feeling like you are nothing more than body parts, a mannequin to be ogled and objectified, and never an actual human being with thoughts and interiority, is a feeling far too many of us have had to not only endure, but normalize. Personally, I wish we could just do away with commenting on other people’s physical appearances altogether. Everyone deserves to feel comfortable in their own body, and love their body even, but damn, do they make it hard for us to get there.
Arriving at body neutrality is a journey that involves a tremendous amount of unpacking and unlearning. It’s the belief that you can simply be at peace with your physical appearance. That your form is neither good nor bad, but a vessel that allows you to move and exist in the world. The only feeling you direct toward your body is gratefulness for what it does for you every day, like keeping you alive. I prefer this approach to my own physical appearance because I want to be in a place where I appreciate what my body does for me and nothing more. I want to embody the idea that it’s more than enough for my body to simply keep me happy and thriving.
The true freedom of body neutrality comes from the space it frees up in the mind. When we let go of the stress and consciousness surrounding what we look like, we make room for so much more. Why should we be expected to hold so much personal value in our looks and bodies when there are so many other dimensions to ourselves beyond what the outside looks like? This doesn’t mean I don’t take pride in my appearance, but what I’m working on believing and embodying the most in my body neutrality journey is the idea that the vessel is worthless if the contents inside are rotten.
I don’t always love the way I look. And that’s okay. Because even on the days I don’t feel my most confident, or I feel that societal beauty standards are whooping my ass, I remind myself that I am more than what I look like. I am decidedly body neutral, and it’s a part of myself I still have to work on every single day. I recite positive affirmations to myself over and over again, but most importantly, I make sure they have nothing to do with my looks. My decision to accept my perception of my own body in this way—neither hateful nor praiseworthy but in an in-between state that simply values it unconditionally while acknowledging my current good fortune in health and physical ability—allows me to remove my physical appearance from how I value myself altogether. This, in turn, has allowed me to focus on other areas of my life that are more impactful and important to me. Like being a good person, showing up for my community, and supporting those closest to me in every way I can. Oh, and not to mention running a successful brand and pursuing incredible business opportunities I thought I’d only ever dream about. Like writing this book.
Body neutrality is a practice, and an ongoing one at that. Too many of the conversations women/femmes have with one another about their bodies come from a place of sympathy or forced reassurance. How many times in our lives have we heard a bestie worry that they look fat? That their teeth, nose, thighs, whatever, is the true source of their problems in life, and what’s holding them back from attaining the confidence they want and the partner they wish they had. Now more than ever, we need to be reminded that our bodies are not the enemy. They were not made to conform or to fit into arbitrary parameters. Modern culture in the age of filters and Facetune—not unlike the age of thigh gaps and Victoria’s Secret shows that came before it, or the age of glorified extreme thinness and liquid diets that came before that—wants us to be insecure so it can profit off of us. Following that path is not only fruitless, but it’s also empty. At the end you'll see the true tea, which is: you will never be enough. So my advice is to abandon that path and forge a new one. One that is full of patience, love, and empathy. Because you deserve that.
Today, I try to believe my body is nothing more than a shell that holds all the most important parts of me as a human. It’s neither negative nor positive. Like it or not, it just is. And that is more than enough. The male gaze has historically been how many of us determine our own worth, causing us to spiral in our perceptions of our own bodies as well as the bodies of other women, even of those who we don’t know, like the famous women who we’ve been invited by our culture to objectify for eons. It’s wild to me that we are literally responsible for bringing forth life onto this earth and yet are so consistently and relentlessly devalued for the parts of our bodies that aren’t aesthetically ideal in the eyes of misogynistic men. It makes me mad, sure, but it also makes me realize that I need to be strong and steadfast in my practice.
Self-love and true confidence are not only the goals and destinations you want to come to, they’re also ever-growing-and-changing journeys. They twist and turn, and go up and down, but the final destination never wavers.
I don’t enjoy the fact that our bodies are the first things about ourselves that get judged on a daily basis, but at least I have the ability to lessen the importance I place on my own perception of my physical appearance. I would so much rather have my confidence rooted within than to hope that a positive opinion about my own looks will be enough to carry me through life. Because everything about my inner self—my integrity, the love I have to give, my wit, my humor—those things are steady. They’re consistent, and they matter far, far more.
Excerpted with permission from Loud: Accept Nothing Less Than the Life You Deserve by Drew Afualo. Published by AUWA Books, an imprint of MCD / Farrar, Straus and Giroux. Copyright © 2024 by Drew Afualo Enterprises, LLC. All rights reserved. Drew Afualo is a content creator, women’s rights advocate, podcast host and author best known as the internet’s “Crusader for Women”. Through her content, she inspires her followers to embrace their authentic selves and demand respect in all areas of life.
Sending this to my teenaged daughter and saving it for myself... And buying her book! Thank you 🙏
Loved the Drew episode and loved this extract. A great concept I had never heard before, thank you for highlighting this essay.