Day Shift — The Real War Is The One We Fight Inside Us
“Every one of us is doing the best we know how to do.”
I have a quote from Dwight Eisenhower, the 34th president of the United States. He was the Supreme Commander of the Allied Expeditionary Force in Europe and became a five-star General of the Army. And here's what he has to say about war:
“I hate war as only a soldier who has lived it can, only as one who has seen its brutality, its futility, its stupidity.”
My father was a soldier in World War II, in Okinawa. It was brutal, it was futile, it was stupid, and apparently, it was necessary. My father carried that for the whole of his life. I talked to his female cousins once, and one of them took me aside and said, 'Jeff, I just want you to know that the man who left for the war is not the man who came back.'
I never got to know the man who left for the war. I knew the man who came back, and we didn't have the best of communication. Right toward the end of his life, we went out drinking together—the only time we ever did that. We were having shots and beers at Pop's Inn in Park City, Montana. We were on our second round, and this was a month and a half before he died. He had spent the afternoon with some cousins, drinking beers, and he seemed pretty mellow, like he wanted to talk.
At a certain point, he said, 'You know...'
I was so excited. He was going to tell me something, he was going to give me the secret of life, and we were going to have that father-son conversation I had always wanted us to have. And I waited, and I waited. Then I said, 'What?'
He said, 'Nah.'
I said, 'No, really. What?'
He said, 'Forget it. You'll never understand.'
I was crushed. I took it in my self-centered way, thinking there was something wrong with me—that he couldn't really talk to me, one man to another. And I was 23 years old; I didn't know how to insist on having the conversation. I just knew the conversation was over. We finished our drinks and went home silently.
I was telling my wife this story the other day, along with another story about the end of his life, and she said, 'Oh, he didn’t want to burden you.'
It blew my mind. I suddenly realized he was going to tell me about his war experience. And then, in his way, he looked at me, this 23-year-old boy who was struggling so much just to be in the world, just to be alive and inside himself, and thought, 'No, I’m not going to do that to him. I’ve had to carry it. I’m almost done carrying it, but I’m not going to make him carry it too.'
It took me decades to come up with that idea of why things played out the way they did, but it really illustrates the point that people rarely do things to me. I just happened to be in the way. And when I’m in the way and needy, and someone does something, then whether they mean it to be directed at me or not, it is to me. I take it personally, but that’s on me, isn’t it?
It would be arrogant for me to presume to forgive my father for being the man he was. Every one of us is doing the best we know how to do. I know I haven’t done it perfectly, and he certainly didn’t do it perfectly. But he did himself absolutely perfectly. And I love him for that. I’m so grateful for the lessons I’ve gotten from him, even the ones that took me another 50 years to learn.
So today I say, let’s go into the world and imagine that the people we meet are doing it as well as they know how to do it. And by offering a smile and the feeling of, 'It’s okay,' maybe they’ll be able to smile and be okay in return.
Thanks for listening. Have a great day.
Jeff Kober is an accomplished actor, photographer and vedic meditation teacher. He has had regular roles in notable series like The Walking Dead, Sons of Anarchy, and NCIS: Los Angeles, and has appeared in numerous films including Sully and Beauty Mark. Kober is also a writer and artist, and has previously penned screenplays and co-authored the book Art That Pays.
