Why Modern Dating Sets Us Up for Failure
Penn Badgley & Dr. Nura Mowzoon on healthy relationships
Hey there, Soul Mates!
This week on the Soul Boom podcast, Rainn Wilson wanders deep into the maze of modern dating with actor Penn Badgley and professor Dr. Nura Mowzoon. Together, they explore the tricky terrain of love, connection, and meaningful relationships in today’s world.
Now, we get it—hearing that Penn, who plays Joe Goldberg (the obsessive and dangerous character from You), is speaking on healthy relationships may seem ironic. For some, that role has sparked unhealthy infatuations and even romantic fantasies, despite—or sometimes even because of—Joe’s problematic behavior.
But in reality, Penn is the opposite of his on-screen persona. Off-camera, he’s spent years reflecting on how media shapes our perceptions of love, connection, and relationships. His own path—from high-profile romances to the intentional courtship of his now-wife—shows his dedication to cultivating authentic love, grounded in truth and values, rather than surface-level attraction.
When Nura first reached out to Penn (through a mutual friend), it was initially for a one-time event at Arizona State University to discuss the impact of media on dating expectations. What was meant to be a single conversation quickly turned into a much bigger dialogue. Penn suggested making it a two-way exchange with the audience, and the result was so powerful that other universities began inviting them to continue the discussion. When COVID-19 put everything on hold, they both reflected on how to expand their work, shifting the focus to not just romantic relationships, but the broader landscape of interpersonal communication.
This evolution became the Can We Talk? Series—a platform for social discourse and meaningful conversations, now touring campuses nationwide. And while Penn and Nura have widened their scope, their conversation with Rainn brings them back to their roots: how to break free from superficial, swipe-driven dating and build connections based on deep, authentic compatibility.
In line with this week’s podcast theme, we’re featuring an essay by Dr. Nura Mowzoon that examines why modern dating often sets us up for failure. In today’s world of curated profiles and endless scrolling, our approach to relationships can miss the mark, leaving us feeling disconnected and dissatisfied. Nura offers an insightful breakdown of how societal pressures and digital media have shifted our focus from lasting foundations to fleeting attractions. Whether you're single, dating, or in a relationship, her reflections will help reframe how you think about love in the digital age.
May true be the hearts that love you,
The Soul Boom Team
Why Modern Dating Sets Us Up for Failure
By Nura Mowzoon
Modern dating is a paradox. It's meant to guide us toward "the one," yet more often than not, it steers us into bad decisions and disappointment. In a world where options seem endless, and expectations are sky-high, we’re caught in a double bind: We're told there are limitless choices—an endless scroll of profiles at our fingertips—but also pressured by the ticking clock of societal milestones. This creates a frustrating clash between abundance and scarcity, leaving us feeling both overwhelmed by options and anxious about time slipping away. Here's why that dynamic is holding us back.
We're More Focused on Romance than Compatibility
Modern dating is more about chasing chemistry and sparks than genuine compatibility. We’re so focused on the "romance"—the butterflies and excitement—that we forget to ask: Is this person truly compatible with me? In our rush for a connection, we overlook red flags and ignore deeper markers of compatibility, all because we're caught up in the thrill. While initial attraction feels important, it isn’t a reliable predictor of a lasting relationship. In fact, one study found that 38% of married couples didn’t feel an immediate spark when they first met but built a deeper connection over time, grounded in shared values and real compatibility. Spark is nice, but it doesn’t guarantee long-term happiness.
One of the biggest traps we fall into is relying too much on the other person telling us who they are, rather than observing who they are. A date often feels like a polished job interview—both people showcasing their best selves while we take their words at face value. This continues through several dates, with attachment growing inside the bubble of romance while dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin flood our brains, heightening our feelings for someone we don’t really know yet. The chemistry clouds our judgment, making it harder to see the real person behind the performance.
Here’s the twist: Most of us fall victim to a cognitive bias known as "positive illusion," where we see ourselves in an overly positive light. This subconscious phenomenon causes us to share inflated, excessively flattering versions of ourselves – which means we’re building attachments based on a false sense of who the other person is. The solution? Step out of endless conversations and into real-life situations and pay attention to their actions. Opt for activities that aren’t sexy but are revealing: Want to see how patient they are? Babysit your super energetic nephews and nieces together. Curious about how they interact with others under stressful situations? Play a competitive board game with friends. Wondering who they are when they’re tired or irritable? Tackle a DIY project together. Moments like these show us who someone really is, beyond their words.
Dating Apps Have Turned People into Products
We’ve gamified and dehumanized dating. We've reduced each other to curated profiles of photos paired with clever one-liners, designed to grab attention rather than showcase who we really are. Everyone's trying to present the most polished, attractive version of themselves, where filtered images and exaggerated bios are the norm. Research consistently shows that 81% of people lie on their dating profiles—women tend to lie about their age and weight, and men about their height and income.
If we make the first cut and match with someone online, we then start to curate our interactions. Initial “conversations” are reduced to carefully calibrated texts—engaging enough to keep attention, but not so eager as to seem desperate. We hide behind our screens for too long, subconsciously filling in the blanks about the person on the other side, creating a version of them that is almost always inaccurate. Here we become vulnerable to a phenomenon called the “halo effect”, another cognitive distortion where physical attraction to another person leads to assumptions about other positive qualities such as intelligence or kindness. This bias contributes to us assuming even deeper compatibility based on superficial attraction. When we do finally meet in person, the reality of who they are clashes with the idealized version we’ve built up, and when they fail to live up to our expectations and presumptions, we get the “ick” and start the whole dance over again.
While apps give the illusion of endless options, the pressure to find someone before it's "too late" adds another layer of anxiety. In fact, online dating data shows that less than 2% of swipes lead to any kind of connection. This constant toggling between abundance and scarcity turns what should be a thoughtful process into a frantic search for someone who checks all the boxes, fast. The sheer volume of swipes tricks us into thinking that the perfect partner is just around the corner, when in reality, we’re stuck in a cycle of endless searching. And let’s not forget the harsh truth: Online dating is designed to keep us searching, not matching. If everyone found partners and left the apps, they'd become obsolete. The only way dating sites stay relevant is if we stay wanting.
Fearing Singlehood Leads to Unhealthy Choices
Somewhere along the way, our culture decided that being single was a problem to be fixed rather than a phase of life to be embraced. We glorify relationships and, in turn, demonize singlehood. There's an entire self-help industry built on the fear of being alone, cashing in on our insecurities and convincing us that it's better to be with someone, anyone, than to be alone. One survey found that 52% of singles fear being alone – this fear drives us to avoid being single at all costs. Instead of being open to someone who enhances our life, we become fixated on finding a partner out of fear. When we see singlehood as a failure, we focus more on the status of being in a relationship than on the actual compatibility with the person we’re with.
Humans are highly empathic and can sense when someone’s energy is anxious or calm, confident or insecure. When we feel any type of anxiety about being single, that anxiety translates to desperation, and a desperate mindset attracts a particular type of partner – and not typically the healthy kind. However, when we find peace and even confidence during a phase of singlehood, we become magnetic, attracting people of a similar energy and mindset. How you feel about being single is directly connected to who you attract and ultimately how healthy and compatible your next relationship will be.
So, Where Do We Go From Here?
The answer isn’t to swear off dating altogether, but instead to approach it with a healthier mindset:
Be comfortable being single while staying hopeful. It’s about balance: Be content with your life, but open to the idea of finding someone who truly enhances it. The happier and more positive your energy, the more attractive you become.
Minimize your time and investment in dating apps. Meet people in real life. Get out of your house and interact with the world. Practice having simple conversations with people. Do activities that genuinely interest you—learning new skills and engaging in hobbies not only make you more attractive, but they also put you in the path of like-minded people.
Focus on long-term well-being, not just short-term satisfaction. Resist the urge to couple up with someone just for companionship or to ease social pressure. Instead, invest your time in someone who feels like they have real potential. Look for someone who truly fits, not just someone to fill a seat. The longer you're distracted by the wrong person, the more you delay meeting the right one.
Modern dating might be riddled with challenges, but by shifting our mindset, we can break free from its unhealthy cycles. Remember, dating isn’t about racing to a finish line or filling a void—it’s about finding someone who aligns with your values and enhances your life. By staying grounded, patient, and intentional, you’re not just setting yourself up for a successful relationship; you’re also cultivating the healthiest version of yourself along the way.
Dr. Nura Mowzoon is a psychotherapist, professor, speaker, and author dedicated to helping individuals and couples build healthy, authentic relationships. In her work, she explores how we can foster deeper emotional connections by addressing the challenges of modern dating and love. Through her teaching, therapy sessions, public speaking, and collaborations, Mowzoon encourages people to embrace vulnerability and work toward genuine compatibility in relationships. Find her on Instagram: @drnuramowzoon.
